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Literature Text
I want nothing more
Than for you to be mine
And for me to be yours
But something is hindering me
It is blocking my feelings
And I cannot be
Yours even if you wanted me to
Because more than anything
I fear losing you
With every one I've lost
And all that has gone astray
How could I not?
They are battling silently
The hope of loving you
And the fear inside me
I don't know which will win
But inside it's tearing me apart
And I want to let you in
But I can't let you inside
I'm afraid once we get close
You'll leave me and no longer be mine
So until I can figure this out
Please, please wait for me
Because I just might overcome this doubt
Than for you to be mine
And for me to be yours
But something is hindering me
It is blocking my feelings
And I cannot be
Yours even if you wanted me to
Because more than anything
I fear losing you
With every one I've lost
And all that has gone astray
How could I not?
They are battling silently
The hope of loving you
And the fear inside me
I don't know which will win
But inside it's tearing me apart
And I want to let you in
But I can't let you inside
I'm afraid once we get close
You'll leave me and no longer be mine
So until I can figure this out
Please, please wait for me
Because I just might overcome this doubt
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© 2012 - 2024 lexluthorrox
Comments19
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VISION 4/5
I believe the 'heart' of the poem comes from Stanza 5:
"They are battling silently
The hope of loving youAnd the fear inside me"
It is the emotions that cannot be surpassed by the Speaker, rather the love he/she feels for the Subject (the person the poem is written about), that give this poem the catalyst it needs to keep the reader involved. The "active emotions" are the basis for the conflict, something that makes 'love' hard to grasp.
It is the loose grip (on the subject between the lines) that makes it feel as if there could be a bit more said to give this poem a stronger backbone.
ORIGINALITY: 4/5
The subject matter has been done before, yet something lurks just below the surface that takes this poem in an unexpected direction:
STANZA 4
With every one I've lost
And all that has gone astray
How could I not?
^ These concepts really bring the complications of life into the mix. It reminds that, in the case of 'cautious love' it's not always the romantic - but the emotionally painful loses of family or friends that influence the reluctance to let someone else in - the want to avoid a similar pain. I think it's this stanza that brings most of the "surprise" of the piece - it really leaves the reader asking themselves "How could I not _____." This blank allows the reader to sympathize with the Speaker and remember a time when they ask themselves this question.
TECHNIQUE 3/5 [Suggestions are explained and put in bold]
STANZA 1
Than for you to be mine
And for me to be yours
^ The opening lines, although simple in structure and word choice, bring the reader straight into an experience that everyone has felt at some point in their lives. It makes the poem immediately easy to relate to.
STANZAS 2 and 3
STANZAS 2 and 3
But something is hindering me
It is blocking my feelings
And I cannot be
It is blocking my feelings
And I cannot be
Yours, even if you wanted me to
Because more than anything
I fear losing you
Because more than anything
I fear losing you
^ Line Break/Punctuation: Currently, your transition between Line 6 (And I cannot be) and Line 7 (yours even if you wanted me to) is choppy. You can keep your lines as you wrote them (phrase wise) by adding a comma between 'Yours' and 'even'. The comma functions as a transition between two ideas.
STANZAS 6 - 8
I don't know which will win
But inside it's tearing me apart
And I want to let you in
But I can't let you inside
I'm afraid once we get close
You'll leave me and no longer be mine
So until I can figure this out
Please, please wait for me
Because I just might overcome this doubt
I don't know which will win
But inside it's tearing me apart
And I want to let you in
But I can't let you inside
I'm afraid once we get close
You'll leave me and no longer be mine
So until I can figure this out
Please, please wait for me
Because I just might overcome this doubt
^ RHYME SCHEME: The presence of OFF RHYME (Inside, mine) and External Rhyme (win/in, out/doubt) creates a movement right at the end the piece, a traction and speed that quickens the heart. This use of rhyme (whether intentional or not) works well to set up the final plea from the Speaker, and to fill in the blank (the "something more" I mentioned in Vision) just enough to leave an echo in the Reader's mind of "what's left unsaid."
IMPACT: 5/5
This poem has so much potential. And the subject matter is so easy to relate to. I can remember the exact moments I have felt doubt and I have felt the walls go up. With a bit of work this poem would be a good submission for a poetry journal of some kind.